In Da Future

I am sure you have heard of Nostradamus, the famed 15th century Frenchman credited for writing a book of prophecies. We’ll, I’ve just discovered a lost manuscript from his often forgotten nephew Nostrildumbass. The manuscript has not weathered the passage of time well and had to be pain painstakingly recompiled, deciphered, and translated. Nostrildumbass prophesied his own failure and obscurity in history so his prophecies often sound as rants about the future world that he saw. Here now are Nostrildumbass’ visions for our future…

In da future, corporate bureaucrats, political pundits, pseudo-scientist, and eco-economist will invent a new monetary system based on carbon credits. So when you go to a store a loaf of bread will cost you $10 dollars and 2 carbon credits. Wall Street will compound this by inventing new financial vehicles on top of this, and create carbon credit derivative contacts like carbon credit default swaps which will lead to a global ecological and economical depression which will be solved by having a young black president spend more money and cut more trees to save and create new jobs in foreign nations.

In da future, companies will own purchase, collect, and analyze information about you and your spending habits. This includes data on your likeness, your genes, social graph, and recommendation rights. Corporations will own your genes in the form of patents, they will own your likeness, trademark your name, archive your emails, advertise to your friends using your own pictures, and copyright whatever you say.

In da future, any soft sort of pirate music performance will be strongly prohibited the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). You will be deemed a pirate for signing in the shower or in your car if you do not pay your ASCAP performance fees. The RIA will develop Implant Rights Management (IRM) technology like DRM for your voice box that will prohibit you from singing, whistling, or humming in melody.

In da future, the national and local news will be automatically generated specifically for you based on your social graph, number for followers and friends, facebook status, trending topics, RSS feeds, recent Google searches, recent browser history, spending patterns, ad click rate, and income.

In da future, everybody will have their personalized newsletter, fashion line, video channel, music channel, news, and status broadcast channels in a variety of data flavors and communication channels.

In da future, there will be strong tax incentives to work closer to home. New fees and taxes on gas, vehicle repair, and miles driven will force restrict the movement of individuals. Every freeway entrance and exit will have an automatic RFID technology that will debit your account depending on the miles driven.

In da future, there will be a big movement towards green technology, like hybrid and electric vehicles. But the health and green movement will collide and push for smart vehicles based on solar and pedal power, not unlike the vehicles driven by the Flintstones.

In da future, CCTV, night vision cameras, cloth penetrating video, xray machines will be located at airports, local convenience stores like 7-Elevens, malls, and even places of worship. Even with all this technology you will need to remove your shoes and dump any liquids before you enter any of these locations.

In da future, the government has the right and force to force feed you any food possible. People will be made to eat healthy government made tofu and cheese that is ecological sustainable. Children will be taken into state custody for child mistreatment if if they are found to be overweight. The government will have the right and authority to force you to take your medicine.

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