I find the In Soviet Russia jokes really funny. If you are not familiar with these, here is classic example.
In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, Party always find you!
Recently someone posted the following question on reddit which spurred over a thousand comments: Do Russians have “In Capitalist America” jokes? Here are some of the In Capitalist America jokes from that thread of comments.
In capitalist America, government law violates you!
In capitalist America, home leaves you!
In capitalist America, Corporations buy you!
In capitalist America, your wallet owns you!
In capitalist America, corporations regulate you!
In capitalist America capitalist violates law, government and you!
In socialist America, broke bums get mad when others achieve success.
In capitalist America, corporations create the laws.
In capitalist America, home leaves you!
In capitalist America, poor feeds you!
In capitalist America, bunker busting bombs discover oil.
In capitalist America, the capital is not in America.
In capitalist America, the capitalists are not American.
In this post I’ll be reblogging some retweets from the past month broken down by subject matter. Some of these tweets also cover events such as the upcoming general election, Obama economics, and Romney’s Amercia. Follow the conversation at xwoop and lolprez.
I wonder if President Obama will drone someone for me if I give a campaign donation. It would be a better prize than dinner with Clooney.
Some call it Flip Flop, Obama calls it Evolution.
Obama’s New Campaign Promise: Capital punishment by lethal droning.
Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii or Kenya, he was born in Ferenginar.
When a Nobel Peace Price winner drones children, clearly there is something wrong with our concept of peace.
Is President Obama in the White House closet?
President Obama comes out of the closet… about how he feels about gays. #vote #gay
Prior to being President, Obama created zero jobs and zero economic value. And it’s debatable what he’s done since becoming president.
The American dream used to be making it as a self made man, today the American dream according to Obama is just getting by.
Since Obama took office, the number of Americans that have renounced their US citizenship has increased by more than 7 times.
Instead of raffling a $40k/plate dinner at George Clooney’s house President Obama should have raffled a job paying at least that much a year.
The second easiest thing Obama has done is order the death of Osama. The easiest thing he has done is take all the credit.
In this election, Obama will get more Facebook likes than votes.
@BarackObama doesn’t realize we are still in a recession. When Obama took office he blamed Bush, now he blames Romney. #obamanomics
Obama never ran a business, had to manage a balance sheet, or created a new job. Obama’s economics is based on debt. #obamanomics
@BarackObama do you have a bumper sticker for a heterosexual weed smoking 2nd amendment toting gold standard big pimping America fuck-yeah individual?
I’m starting to believe that the Obama campaign has no concept of how jobs work. These guys seem like they’ve never worked a day.
Obama is charging $40k a plate to have dinner with him and George Clooney, do you think he cares what you are having for dinner? #elite
Operation Fast and Furious is the Leave No Drug Cartel Behind program.
The reason why the government wants to try you with a jury of your peers is that they government thinks that you and your peers are stupid.
The whole of the US government is a giant web of conspiracies.
One Nation Under Drones
NYPD’s stop-and-frisk based on “reasonable suspicion” go against the 4th amendments’ unreasonable searches and seizures.
I am not afraid of some thief holding me up, but of the police patting me down.
You used to be innocent until proven guilty, now you are guilty if reasonable suspicious.
If the government was a publicly traded company, it would be shutdown.
The US is foiling its own terror plots.
Mitt Romney’s dad was born in Mexico… Which means that Mitt can and may have a Mexican passport and is of Mexican decent.
Under a @MittRomney presidency his own dad, who was born in Mexico, would not had been able to emigrate here.
In fact, I think that @MittRomney is an anchor baby. We should double check his birth certificate.
Next to the oldest profession is politician.
The reason why presidential candidates reach out to the youth vote is that the youth have few memories of past campaign promises.
Follow the kickbacks.
What state is Senator Lieberman from? Connecticut or Israel?
Cash is king and it gets presidents elected.
Banks are playing bailout musical chairs.
People may not understand the meaning of mortgage… It is French for “death contract.”
If there is such a thing as peak oil then there is going to be peak civilization.
One nation under austerity.
To big too fail never stopped anybody from failing… The bigger they are the harder they fall.
When financial groups run and manage health insurance companies and hospitals we are all screwed.
There are more lawyers and financial analysts making health coverage decisions than doctors and nurses.
Wall Street bankers are not too big to fail, they make errors and fail all the time. The American people are too docile to do anything about it.
All of the world’s oil belongs to us, and as such we are willing pay for it but it nevertheless belongs to us.
Greed is a weapon of mass destruction.
Private prison system is the beginning of modern and legalized slave trade.
Capitalism did not win out communism, greed did.
The Real Buffett Rule: I trust Warren Buffett to know his best to spend his money more than I trust Obama to spend mine.
Where’s the beef, where’s the jobs. It’s the economy, stupid. Read my lips, no more naked body scanners.
I have some neighbors that have like six cars… The DMV should charge a incremental percent for each additional car in a household.
Does CNN stand for Celebrity No News?!
The free press has been co-opted.
The whole idea of a free speech zone violates, rapes, and leaves for dead the unalienable and universal human right of free speech.
We are all brainwashed, it’s called the education system.
Remember how the media keep reporting that everyone was going to die because of the swine flu. That was classic.
99% = We The People
We will not be serving continental breakfast or providing free wi-fi at the revolution.
If we’re at peak oil does that mean we’ve also reached peak civilization?
Big money always trumps good science.
US Syria Plan: Observer -> Peace Keeper -> Consultant -> No Fly Zone -> Marines -> Soldiers -> Mercenaries -> Oil Company Men -> Oil Workers
There will be more police than athletes at the London 2012 Olympics.
One Nation Under War: we have a war on terror, war on the rich, war on drugs, war on pacifists, war on women, …
Oil is not infinite, and the only way to get American interventionists out of a country is for that country to not have any oil left.
Oil is great!
All your oil belongs to us.
Was Dear John written by the War Department?
There are no such things as a random bullet.
If NASA would have found oil instead of water in Mars we would already had colonized it.
Gay marriage is like a Boca Burger.
Hipsters are the swinger vote.
The Zoloft Defense: Assault someone under the influence of Zoloft and you may get out of jail free.
The Secret: Positive thinking and a AK-47 can change the world.
A lot of human morality is based on jealousy.
The Bachelorette should be renamed to The Douchebags.
Apparently there is no such thing as a dumb question or a dumb tweet.
Inside every dream wedding is a nightmare divorce.
What is the short abbreviated name for the Comedy Awards? The Commies?
There is no ideology only ego.
There is nothing royal about the royal family.
In Da Future
In the future, there will be little difference between a known journalist and known terrorist.
In the future, you’ll pay taxes at the local, state, federal, and united nations level.
In the future, there will be a vaccine to cure you of your humanity.
In the future, the White House counsel will declare the Supreme Court unconstitutional.
The national food in #Amercia must be the #potatoe.
Romney thinks we live in #Amercia and Obama thinks Westminster Abbey is in a time bubble in 2008.
I think Romney will win the presidency in #Amercia.
Romney doesn’t only misspell #Amercia but also his own name to #Rmoney.
Romney app didn’t misspell America… He was sending code indicating who really runs AmerCIA.
In the span of about 10 years, the price of gas has increased by over %400. The lowest price of a gallon of gas I remember paying was about $1.15. If this trend is to continue, by 2020 one gallon of gas at the pump will cost between $16-$20. I filled up my car earlier in the week and paid about $4.20/gallon which totaled over $60 to fill my tank up. I project we will be paying at or about $5 by the end of the year. Even at $5 there will be little protests at these prices, simply because everybody is already trying to juggle mortgage, credit, poor job options, poor pay, higher taxes, tolls, and fees from just about ever local, state, and federal agency. Simple put, people are in economic limbo. Gas prices are inverse limbo line, how high will they go?
In his book Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed Jared Diamond wrote about the collapse of Easter Island amongst other failed civilizations. Easter Island is one of the most remote places in the world. Located in the South Pacific, it’s nearest habitable neighbor is over 1000 miles away. It’s over 2000 miles west of Chile. The island is thought to have been first inhabited by Polynesians between 700-1100 AD. Here is a description based on European eyewitnesses.
Easter Island has been cited as an example of a human population crash. When fewer than 100 humans first arrived, the island was covered with trees with a large variety of food types. In 1722, the island was visited by Jacob Roggeveen, who estimated a population of 2000 to 3000 inhabitants with very few trees, “a rich soil, good climate” and “all the county was under cultivation”. Half a century later, it was described as “a poor land” and “largely uncultivated”.
From archaeological evidence, early in its history Easter Island was a lush and fruitful Island. The island supported a unique culture until the population exhausted all of the available resources. In his book, Jared Diamond posed a question that stuck with me, he asked, what were the thoughts of the person that cut down that last tree on Easter Island as they were cutting it down? What was the branches, limbs, and wood of the last tree of Easter Island used for? Were the remains of that last tree used for shelter, for weapons, or for fire wood?
By some estimates, we have consumed about half of the world’s oil reserves in a little over a century and oil demand is only increasing. Whether or not these estimates are correct, one can imagine a time in the future when all the reaming oil will be down to one barrel. What will that last barrel of oil be used for?
Here I am reblogging some retweets for the past month that broken down by subject matter. Some of these tweets also cover events that occurred in May 2010. If you like to follow along, befriend xwoop and lolprez and I’ll be sure to follow back.
Where is the beef, where is the change?
Some Laws are biased, others ignorant, many shortsighted, and even a few are immoral.
The police wants to record your every step/action except being arrested by the police.
BP + Oil Spill + Hurricane Season + New Orleans + FEMA = nothing is going to get done…
The government wants to regulate success.
More laws lead to less justice.
Decades ago we were promised a future that includes jet packs and space travel, now the government wants to shape the future with terrestrial rail.
Life already has chosen life, life chooses life.
There is 100,000 years of history for immigration!
We can’t have a supreme court justice in the closet and in the pocket of Goldman Sachs.
I wonder if Elena Kagan has more litigation experience than lesbian experience.
It seems like Obama wants the supreme court to adhere the don’t ask don’t tell policy themselves.
Britain’s election resulted in a hung parliament, at least that’s what she said, and by she I mean the Queen.
Instead of marching and protesting, most are happy bitching.
The only thing capitalism values is pure unadulterated profits.
No one is above the law, except capitalism. $$$/LAW
Memorial Day, a day to remember the men and women that served our country and enjoy the profits earned from the military industrial complex.
Crony Capitalism offers the best returns.
Credit cards are the best way more than what an item is worth.
Sweet dreams are made of debt, who are you to disagree.
They should call things for what they truly are, like credit cards are really debt cards. Debt is really what you carry.
Did anybody else feel the stock market crash just now? It felt like an earthquake.
Pirates that go legit are known as corpirates, I mean corporates.
Don’t worry Greek people, if your civilization fails the British Museum will kindly save your property in their museum in England.
I’m not sure why everyone is worried, it’s not the first time Greek civilization has collapse.
The revolution will not start with a gun shot, but with a market crash.
Vaccines are not panaceas.
The truth is that Gaza is a concentration camp, an unlabor camp.
Any event involving freedom, flotilla, humanitarian, aid, Israeli, commandos can only end with at least 15 dead Palestinians.
It seems to me that most Jewish holidays revolve around the liberation or destruction of Jews by Babylonians, Persians, Egyptians, Romans…
Watching Sunday morning propaganda shows.
God is a lie. Free markets are a lie. History is a lie. Freedom is a lie. The cake is a lie.
The one thing the education system wants you to learn is to learn to sit down, listen, and follow directions. #obey
Revolutions are about freedom, sometimes.
The network news have a secret agenda.
If one man’s trash is another’s treasure, then one man’s wasteland is another’s promise land.
If people count sheeps to help them fall asleep, what do sheeps count to fall asleep?
WTF why is it that taxes and fees are worth more than the actual price of a airfare ticket?
Do you read, analogly or digitally?
Which is worse, Facebook privacy leak BP oil spill?
Is Craig’s List part of the sex trade industrial complex?
Is the best time of your life behind you, ahead of you, or right now?
Celebrities are fictional characters.
A terrible thing is a terrible thing to go to waste.
I know nothing and have an opinion on everything.
If you are going through hell, do not stop at the rest stop.
Two men that can go about their business in pajamas: Hugh Hefner and Dalai Lama
Apparently the Buddha was a dead beat dad.
I think time is the least understood currency, and the older you are the lower your ROI on existing time.
Time is a currency.
Not even time is for ever.
The universe is estimated to be 15 billion years old, it’s just a teenager, it doesn’t even have it’s provisional driver’s license.
What kind of day is it going to be? Checking life forecast… Partial meetings scattered throughout the day… I guess I should wear pants.
I’m sure James Cameron has directed a sex tape or two, after watching Avatar my question is, you think James Cameron made a 3D Avatar porn?
I can haz some om nom nom nom.
Forget who moved my cheese, I want to know who moved the damn remote.
Drinking the Kool-Aid doesn’t make you cool!
Waiting… Life in slomo.
Who is this Jonas Bieber I keep hearing about?!
Music moves mountains.
A diamond might be a girls best friend but her shoes are her confidant.
The valuable asset you can spend on someone is time.
I’m such a bad lier that I don’t need to tell the truth.
The truth has many sides, many shades, and many dimensions.
Live, listen, learn, laugh, love, and lose yourself.
Some hide, others slide, many snide, I drive it home like a bat out of hell just frozen over by climate change FTmofoW!!!1!
I wish I could take a picture, not of what I see but what I feel.
OH: For you to look good you would have to travel back in time.
OH: I have a lot more to say than I’ll ever be able to say, so let me say this once.
OH: It is like wanted to bake a cake, eat it too, but without having the dough.
OH: Yeah, I want that too. I want my stuff to be next to your stuff an not feel stuffy.
OH: you must be a space man, cause you always spacing out.
The future was here!
In the future, you will be charged as a hacker for using lynx to access a website.
In the future, you will be considered an accomplice for retweeting.
In the future, you will be considered a person of interest for content you like on facebook.
In the future, you will be held in charged with treason for voting for against the incumbent.
In the flat future, a mechanic will have a more secure job than a lawyer.
In the future, all first ladies will automatically be sworn on as the senator of New York.
In the future, poetry will not be felt but computed.
Imagine a future where if you buy paint it comes with a ToS limiting you what you can paint and whether you can sell it or not and to who…