Unfortunate Cookies

I don’t know about you but no fortune cookie ever brought me any fortune, not even a coupon. I think that instead of posing as fake pseudo eastern philosophical predictions, fortune cookies should be a little more honest. Here are some more honest unfortunate cookies.

  • You peaked in preschool.
  • You suck and everybody knows it.
  • Your wife doesn’t love you and the kids aren’t yours.
  • Your wife ran out on you and soon you’re unemployment will too.
  • You will make embarrass yourself at the company Christmas party.
  • People don’t laugh with you.

Favorite Tweets November 2010

There are some funny people on Twitter. Whenever I find a funny, witty, or thought provoking I usually retweet it and favorite it. Here is a small collection of recent tweets that stoop out to me.

LOL

  • @DamnItsTrue: Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns -> most womens probIems begin with men. #DamnItsTrue
  • @carlmaxim: Sarah Palin says Julian Assange should be hunted down like Osama bin Laden. So he should be safe for at least a decade. #WikiLeaks
  • @rachelsklar: Chasing straight vodka with pickles. You know it.
  • @ericgonzalez: OH: “I can’t get AT&T reception at AT&T park” #lolz
  • @swedal: Do people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive?
  • @lolprez: #rally4sanity is a rally without a cause.
  • @LyrIcSmasHER: In math but I feel like I’m in spanish
  • @Krissy90220: Makeup is one hell of a drug
  • @michaelnichols: Words of encouragement from my coworker: “Be Positive! Shit Rainbows!”
  • @summertomato: OH: “I didn’t really cook all this, but I did cut the cheese.”
  • @tnylgn: Eating Halloween candy and ignoring the doorbell. A little game I like to call fuck you I paid for it.
  • @wafflesgirls: i only illegally download music for my stolen ipod

TRU

  • @TheFragileKate: Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful :)
  • @Pres_Bartlet: Meg Whitman’s personal spending on her campaign: $163 million. National Endowment for the Arts 2010 budget: $161.4 million.
  • @ShesMorgan: We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
  • @God_Damn_Batman: So Harry Potter’s parents were murdered before his eyes, now he wears a black cloak and fights evil? EXPECT A CALL FROM MY LAWYERS ROWLING!!
  • @maxklein: The easiest way to rob a bank is to have one
  • @LyrIcSmasHER: Hope is a distant memory
  • @SarahBlakeInc: Will I take Amazon Gift Cards as payment? Sure, when the light company does
  • @EssyDoesIt: Rule #1 … im #1 .

TSA

  • @sacca: Just saw a TSA agent check whether a laser pointer was working by shooting it directly into her eye. Should I admire her dedication?
  • @mistersterling: I’m considering shoving McDonald’s Happy Meal toys in my pants when I get to the airport. Hilarious consequences for sure.
  • @TSAagent: This #SecurityTheatre is starting to feel less like a theatre and more like a strip club. #TSA #TSAagent #BadTouch

TECH

  • @the_tech_bubble: Hey Groupon, $6 billion isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? Actually, $6 billion is pretty cool.
  • @davepell: Groupon seems to be the one company in their universe NOT willing to take a discount.
  • @avalanche123: “Java is a DSL for taking large XML files and converting them to stack traces”
  • @KieranO: What did all the Social Media Experts do for a living before social media?
  • @yurechko: “@arrington is the Glenn Beck of technology”
  • @tonystubblebine: A good tech conference always makes me want to leave early and write code. Having trouble sitting still at #w2s
  • @mktgdouchebag: I wonder how the person who first said “That’s for me to know and you to find out” is adjusting to Facebook.

Favorite Tweets July 2010

There are some funny people on Twitter. Whenever I find a funny, witty, or thought provoking I usually retweet it and favorite it. Here is a small collection of recent tweets that stoop out to me.

  • @5tevenw: My father always told me, “Be bold! Don’t be italic.”
  • @momosuxx: Does my username make me look fat?
  • @jdickerson: Out back I hear crickets, birds, plane, car, hammering, sprinkler all at once. Distracting me from Twitter distracting me from the paper
  • @ButtercupD: “multi-device-ing” again…PC on lap, iPad to the left and iPhone to the right…and I like it like that!
  • @DamnItsTrue: Facebook is for friends that are now strangers, Twitter is for strangers that should be your friends.
  • @keithie: Tufte lecture: Only two industries describe their customers as “users”, computer software and drugs dealers
  • @centernetworks: iPhone marriage -Two iPhones got married. It was a lovely ceremony, but the reception was awful. Apparently they held it in the wrong place.
  • @alexia: OH: In my next life I want to be reincarnated as a computer.
  • @gurl: Never trust a man in flip flops.
  • @rands: Avoid those who use language to mystify the obvious.
  • @DaRealAmberRose: Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.
  • @NatashaYi: Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked to, but if you press the wrong button you will be disconnected!
  • @batfish: Bacon is the duct tape of the culinary world.
  • @adamjackson: “News” is just a distraction to what’s really going on in our world.
  • @laughlitmus: I need a software that controls US defense systems to remove human error from strategic decisions *must not become self-aware*
  • @SchemaCzar: The beginning of time ain’t what it used to be…
  • @DocHobbes: Outraged that the President does not have a plan in place in the event of a zombie out break / apocalypse.
  • @ladyfox14: OH: ‘It smells like SPF 50 and hash’ ‘The best two smells of summer’
  • @verowhite: I hate packing almost as much as I love traveling.
  • @spangley: OH: “rural oregon is like the west virginia of the west coast.”
  • @Susan_ld4e: If is the longest word
  • @errolmorris: Maybe 95% of all “art” is painting by numbers.
  • @Miss_Officer: Life is the best school. God is the best teacher. Problem is the best assignment. Failure is the best revision.
  • @Jason: Business plans are entrepreneurial masturbation. Please don’t send me business plans or ideas.
  • @mzkay2good: da way i am is cuz of my parents, n their both great but only when their in seperate rooms lol
  • @jlashae: Flaws r beautiful :-)
  • @iBangLSE: My mistakes have made me strong .
  • @Gbaybeeh: There’s a piece of me who leaves when you gone
  • @zpower: as a consumer, what sort of wacky decision tree would cause you to conclude that a $300 sony daily edition is a sound purchase?