Animal Farm

We went to the zoo today. The visit really reminded me of college, it is a freaking animal house in there. Going to the zoo, you come up close to wild animals, and they are called wild not only for their habitat but for their behavior. The stinkiest animals in the whole zoo, in my opinion, are the penguins. There are just smelly. Overall the animals look bored and sleepy, going to the zoo makes me bored and sleepy. I felt like taking a nap as soon as I left. The only reason to go to the zoo is to buy souvenirs. The souvenir shop is the only place where you learn the most about the animals, you can get books, videos, coloring books of animals that are more active hands of an Attention Deficit Disorder kid than the actual animals housed in the zoo. The zoo is basically the jail for animals whose visiting hours are every day.

You Had Me at Show Me The Money

The best way to make money is to have people give you money. The only way people give you money is…

  • They are your parents and they give you allowance.
  • They are you ex spouse and they give you alimony.
  • They are tourist and you rob them.
  • You sell a product or a service.
  • they trust you with their money for the promise of a high return rate!

In Da Future

I am sure you have heard of Nostradamus, the famed 15th century Frenchman credited for writing a book of prophecies. We’ll, I’ve just discovered a lost manuscript from his often forgotten nephew Nostrildumbass. The manuscript has not weathered the passage of time well and had to be pain painstakingly recompiled, deciphered, and translated. Nostrildumbass prophesied his own failure and obscurity in history so his prophecies often sound as rants about the future world that he saw. Here now are Nostrildumbass’ visions for our future…

In da future, corporate bureaucrats, political pundits, pseudo-scientist, and eco-economist will invent a new monetary system based on carbon credits. So when you go to a store a loaf of bread will cost you $10 dollars and 2 carbon credits. Wall Street will compound this by inventing new financial vehicles on top of this, and create carbon credit derivative contacts like carbon credit default swaps which will lead to a global ecological and economical depression which will be solved by having a young black president spend more money and cut more trees to save and create new jobs in foreign nations.

In da future, companies will own purchase, collect, and analyze information about you and your spending habits. This includes data on your likeness, your genes, social graph, and recommendation rights. Corporations will own your genes in the form of patents, they will own your likeness, trademark your name, archive your emails, advertise to your friends using your own pictures, and copyright whatever you say.

In da future, any soft sort of pirate music performance will be strongly prohibited the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). You will be deemed a pirate for signing in the shower or in your car if you do not pay your ASCAP performance fees. The RIA will develop Implant Rights Management (IRM) technology like DRM for your voice box that will prohibit you from singing, whistling, or humming in melody.

In da future, the national and local news will be automatically generated specifically for you based on your social graph, number for followers and friends, facebook status, trending topics, RSS feeds, recent Google searches, recent browser history, spending patterns, ad click rate, and income.

In da future, everybody will have their personalized newsletter, fashion line, video channel, music channel, news, and status broadcast channels in a variety of data flavors and communication channels.

In da future, there will be strong tax incentives to work closer to home. New fees and taxes on gas, vehicle repair, and miles driven will force restrict the movement of individuals. Every freeway entrance and exit will have an automatic RFID technology that will debit your account depending on the miles driven.

In da future, there will be a big movement towards green technology, like hybrid and electric vehicles. But the health and green movement will collide and push for smart vehicles based on solar and pedal power, not unlike the vehicles driven by the Flintstones.

In da future, CCTV, night vision cameras, cloth penetrating video, xray machines will be located at airports, local convenience stores like 7-Elevens, malls, and even places of worship. Even with all this technology you will need to remove your shoes and dump any liquids before you enter any of these locations.

In da future, the government has the right and force to force feed you any food possible. People will be made to eat healthy government made tofu and cheese that is ecological sustainable. Children will be taken into state custody for child mistreatment if if they are found to be overweight. The government will have the right and authority to force you to take your medicine.

Business Owner’s Manual: Automate Decisions

As a business owner, the question you really want to ask is not “can my employees do more” but how can I remove obstacles encountered by my team. Ask not “can I give them more tasks” but how can I give them more responsibility and visibility. As it turns out, sometimes, the business owner is the obstacle because she needs approval on every decision, whether it is a $20 or $20,000 dollar decision. A business owner can find ways to to maximize employees output without having resort to running a sweatshop… For example you can always automate repetitive tasks or invest on upgrading technology to produce more product with less stress.

Children are Made of Advertising, Consumerism, and Debt

In the USA, children are made to be consumers. We grow up to believe that we need to buy new shoes if we want to be runners, that we need to buy a ticket at an amusement park to be amused, that we need to buy $100 college books to go to learn, etc. We live in a free country where everything has a price. We live in a free country but we don’t have enough free and open spaces. Strip malls have replaced the out doors, movies have replace oral story telling, online communities have replaced our local communities, we teach kids about sex education but not to love. Children are the perfect consumer bots. Advertisers target them, they are the perfect demographic, and they are the ones that will pay for it all. The allowance we give them, we borrow and they will have to pay it all back with interest. They will also have to pay for grandma’s social security and grandpa’s viagra. Child are made to be consumers, and we are going to make the pay for it.

Twitter Search is Not Search

Twitter’s search is pretty much useless for research. Twitter’s search is not search at all, in the Google sense, but instead it is database query with hard coded limits. Unlink Google, which can render a search result page out of hundreds of millions for a given search query in under half a second, Twitter limits the number of pages you can view for a particular search term. Twitter’s search feature allows for 20 tweets per search page, times the 100 page limit, means you can only search for the 2,000 most recent tweets for any particular search criteria. For a trending topic, 2,000 tweets are posted for a topic in under 20 minutes. So you can not use Twitter’s search functionality to find original tweet of a trending topic. Since Twitter’s search is implemented as a database query and not with a rank algorithm, you can’t find the most retweet, or most pertinent, or most linked tweet!

Nothing Personal

It is hard to see where Twitter trends start off from, for no reason Nothing Personal was trending. I thought some of the tweets were funny, that I had to favorite some of them.

  • luismart630: #nothingpersonal but the US soccer “fans” only cheer for winning teams
  • BeckyFletch: #nothingpersonal but if your teeth look like they’re trying to escape from your mouth, stop smiling
  • jacklynnray: #nothingpersonal but nobody cares about your cat. <3
  • rachelsoul: #nothingpersonal , but I need some new followers…ya’ll are putting me to sleep…lmao
  • Megan_Louise: You looked better when you were fat #nothingpersonal
  • ifsogirl: #nothingpersonal But wifebeaters are not appropriate for all men…
  • jmayr: #nothingpersonal but I don’t like people that are set on flames and want a hug
  • supaman87: #nothingpersonal but retarted ppl and old ppl creep me out, I dnt like being around them
  • MonycaRenee: #nothingpersonal but don’t ask for anything you cannot give
  • MonycaRenee: don’t hate on me change u :) #nothingpersonal
  • SingKayJay: #nothingpersonal but you just dont do it for me..next
  • SydneyAlex: Dear PC: I still want a MAC, no matter how many commercials you put out #nothingpersonal
  • dani_inez: #nothingpersonal but smoking is quite unattractive… and dumb

Twitter Tweet Links June 2009

Here are some worthwhile articles regarding Twitter for June 2009.

Retweet June 2009

Here I am reblogging some retweets for the past month that broken down by subject matter. Some of these tweets also cover events that occurred in June 2009. If you like to follow along, befriend xwoop and lolprez and I’ll be sure to follow back.

Xwoop

  • If in the future everybody will have 15 minutes of fame, they will all speak in tweet size sound bites.
  • The first tip of math is don’t trust the calculator to make sense of the nmbers, first understand the problem before you enter the digits.
  • Consumerist’s Prayer: May the bargain goddess bless us with shopping bliss.
  • If you really give a shit what others think of you then you would be scared shitless of their nonsense.
  • The funny thing about traveling is that there is so much to see that you spend more time driving around than people who live there have to commute
  • Dancing is not just about moving your butt, a good dancer will move their fingers and hair in unison with the music…
  • Angelina Jolie wants to adopt more kids. Octomom wants to find income to pay for all those kids. Angelina Jolie should adopt Octomom!
  • At Disney you wait in line to buy a ticket to wait in line to get in to wait in line to get on a ride that follows a track.
  • What is your philosophy? Live and let live? Live to work? Work hard play hard? No pain no gain? Etc….
  • Those in the rat race want you to stay in the race so to compete with you. The system is built to keep you perpetually lost in the race.
  • Talking about ‘Boss Blindspots’ with coworkers. Boss Blindspots are places, conference rooms, etc. you sneak to make an undesturb call…
  • My favorite podcasts are Time Business, This American Life, Slate Magazine, Killer Innovations, FLOSS Weekly, Entrepreneurial Thought Leader
  • The battle of the Bands in my iPhone. The Thing Things vs the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
  • Is Chris Brown related to Bobby Brown? Just catching up on Chris Brown’s arrest for allegedly beating up on Rihanna.
  • Our society has made huge advancements in its musical taste, from boy bands to teen musicals.
  • After 2004 election Bush thought he had a big mandate. Obama says his mandate is bigger.
  • Salesperson: fine line between annoying and helpful.
  • In this economy, paying 10% off is like paying full price…
  • Get lost intentionally, find yourself serendipitously
  • Clutter makes an opportunity for distraction.
  • At the gym burning calories, call the fire marshal!
  • Unique Perspective + New Experience = Original Insight
  • The first control substance was in the garden of Eden.
  • Having a home made cupcake, it has more heart than frosting!
  • You can always monitize those that want to monitize something else.
  • A mixer is the female equivalent to a power tool.
  • Valet would be that more useful if the fill your car with gas.

LOLprez

  • My question is, when will the government tax you for your virtual profits and earnings on virtual money.
  • If keeping a real budget wasn’t enough, people want to make me budget virtual money….
  • They took your gold standard backed money and gave you commodity money, they want to take that and give your virtual money.
  • My new pickup line: I’m to big to fail!
  • Don’t stand in the way of what comes to you.
  • Some report the news, other report the network effect on the news.
  • For a fish that comes out of the sea, that is one dry mofo mackerel.
  • They said that GM was to big to fail. You know what is to big to fail, the government.
  • A government big enough to give you all you want will be big enough to take all you have!
  • Some folks like to drink Sex on the Beach, I like to drink Intercourse in Outerspace!
  • Don’t pick and choose between political candidates, let then pick and choose where they stand and then stand ten feet back.
  • Obama spoke against the Jewish Holocaust deniers but said nothing of the Armenian Holocaust deniers!
  • Obama first reached out to investment bankers, now he is reaching out to Muslims… I guess imams should expect a bonus.
  • The Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything * 10 = 420… Coincidence? I think not.

Questions

  • When did the Spelling Bee become a televised sport?
  • Is a race car driver an athlete?
  • Forget your cheese, who moved my iHeadPhones?
  • Who needs a business plan if you have a million users?
  • What is the Internet saying about you?
  • Paper or plastic? Kirk or Picard?
  • What is money good for, to earn, to save, or to spend?
  • What is your favorite time killer? Twitter, Digg, Reddit, facebook, LOLcatz, cute overload?
  • What is your favorite iPod color?
  • Which is your favorite celebrity brand?
  • What percentage of your shopping is online?
  • Which is your favorite brand? CK, Tommy, Baby Phat, Bebe, LV, Coach, Ed Hardy, Armani, Juicy Couture, Avirex, Michael Kors, Vera Wang, etc?
  • What would you do if there were no way you could fail?
  • Is Electric Avenue in Funkytown?
  • What is your personal motto?
  • How fresh is fresh?
  • What is helping you weather the recession, books, movies, games, etc?
  • What is your favorite social networking site?
  • What is your next big idea?
  • Will there be a exchange rate market to buy, sell, and trade points from different systems such as XBox, Wii, PlayStation, WoW, Second Life?
  • What is the best gift you’ve ever received for Valentine’s Day?
  • Is brushing your teeth better than taking a shower?
  • Has anyone checked out “Invitation Only Shopping” sites?
  • What would you do with one extra hour a day? One extra day a week? One extra week in a year?
  • Potato chips, tortilla chips, or pita chips?
  • How many hours of productivity do companies lose because employees are wrapping up with taxes?
  • Why are social networking sites not more socially conscience?
  • Why does Hawaiian pizza have Canadian bacon?
  • If they call it self help, why would you pay someone for it?
  • Which is best, to spread like a wild fire or to bloom like a wild flower?

Quotes

  • I am so 3008 / you are so 2000 and late – Fergie
  • Russian roulette is not the same without a gun/And baby when it’s love if it’s not rough it isn’t fun — Lady GaGa
  • Attitude that came outta struggle/Destitute but I make it hopeful — K’naan
  • That woman speaks eight languages and can’t say "no" in any of them. – Dorothy Parker
  • Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. – Herman Wouk
  • Death and taxes may be certain, but we don’t have to die every year. – Unknown
  • In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin
  • To err is human, To purr is feline. To arr is pirate. – Robert Byrne
  • Many a false step was made by standing still. – Fortune Cookie

I

  • I discover much of my music through car commercials…
  • I like to travel from the comforts of my own home.
  • I want to fly away and have the airline lose the emotional baggage.
  • I sell this shyet by the kilo.
  • I heart bargains, discounts, sales, giveaways, and followers.
  • Why did I wake up from a dream where I was the lead in Grease? I haven’t even seen the movie!
  • Some people need their beauty rest. I think there is no greater beauty than work!
  • I have 839 podcasts which equals to 17.8 days and takes up 12.78 GB. I have 5097 songs which equals to 15 days and takes up 23.10 GB.
  • Using the scientific method, I think most scientists are drones.
  • Watching a comedy special from like 1995. I don’t get most of the jokes! What’s funny is their fashion…
  • Watching a movie, a period piece really, Valley Girl. I just can’t believe the outfits people wore back in the 80’s, LOL.
  • How much different entertainment medium don’t you intake each day? I consume TV, radio, magazines, interweb, phone, and text on a daily basis.

Quick Tweet

  • TGIFIGTHH: Thank goodness it’s Friday, I’m going to happy hour!
  • It seems like everybody is an internet marketter.
  • Homework hurts my brain and it hurts trees.
  • Life is both the instrument and melody.
  • I’m in the zone… browsing online…
  • Make a catwalk out of the side walk.
  • Life is about making memories!
  • New Motto: moan don’t whine…
  • I holla back and follow back!
  • Denver Nuggets = Thuggets?
  • Cash. Money. Liquidity.
  • Waiting for my AIG bonus!
  • Facebok is for dummies.
  • Bacon is meat candy.
  • Talk more chat less!
  • Freak your dreams!
  • RT: OH: WTF FTW!
  • Tweet talk to me!
  • Pull my finger!

Twitter Verified Account Fail

How do you verify something that is fake? How do you verify an impostor? You can’t say, ‘yup, that is the real fake McCoy, the genuine impostor article, the real counterfeit deal.’ How can you verify that the fake Steve Jobs is really the Fake Steve Jobs? If there is one Fake Steve Jobs, can there be a Real Fake Steve Jobs?

Twitter recently launched Verified Account to verify the identity of Twitter users. So, if you ever wondered if Perez Hilton was related to Paris, Niki, and Kathy Hilton then you can rest assured because Twitter has done extensive background checks to verify his identity. I thought Perez Hilton was Mario Armando Lavandeira but that Twitter account has not been verified.

The question is, is fake online identity theft such a problem as real life identity theft? Twitter thinks so. If you are like me, you have had your online handle stolen from you. You think you are the only IHeartPonies76 on social networking sites but find yourself disappointed when you join a new site and find that that user name is already taken, so you settle ILikePuppiesToo2009. Well, this is is the problem that Tony LaRussa had when he was ‘impersonated’ on Twitter. LaRussa sued and Twitter responded by suspending the account, all because people thought the real Tony LaRussa? Did people really think that the real LaRussa would post tweets like the following…

Lost 2 out of 3, but we made it out of Chicago without one drunk driving incident or dead pitcher.

Instead of verifying accounts, Twitter should verify satire! I mean, which of my 10 online identities will Twitter verify first?